Sunday, June 16, 2013

I have been changed in many ways

There have been a few times in my life where something so serious has happened that it inertly changed who I am and how I interact with the world.

* My parent's separation
* My ex getting physical with me in anger
* My mother being diagnosed with cancer
* Giving birth to my daughter
* My postpartum depression
* Getting pregnant with an IUD

With the exception of birthing my daughter, all of these life events were something that happened out of my control.  It caused me to review how I related to the world and how the world relates to me.  Each impacted me differently.  In some ways I see now, but in some ways I may never see.  One thing they all have in common is that at first, I was very angry.  In the end, something inside of me changed.  Some things that seemed very important before suddenly seemed less so.

Until very recently, I think I was pretty mad about getting pregnant out of my control.  One of my less tactful family members asked me at a birthday party last night if I was doing okay with things.  When I said I was, he said, "Oh good, because you were pretty mad about this pregnancy the last time I saw you."  I denied it, but I thought about it all last night, and now I'm pretty sure he's right.  I wasn't angry with my baby, I was angry that my life has changed so drastically but fate didn't even ask my opinion.

Choosing to have a baby is a very personal and major life decision.  A lot of thought and planning should go into it.  Perhaps it's just my way doing things.  Before I had kids, I religiously ate my birth control pills, and the few times I knew it wasn't effective (missed one, or on antibiotics) I would use a condom.  If I did not want to get pregnant, if it wasn't a good time, I used birth control to prevent it.  Paying for and going through the hassle of getting an IUD was what I considered to be a grown-up form of birth control.  I religiously checked the strings after each period.  I did what was asked of me, and medical science failed me.  I guess I was angry.  I did my best to keep most of my anger to myself, but I know some of it spilled out.  There were many times over the last 6 months where I asked people for help, I asked people for support, I asked people to take it easy on me since I was going through something I couldn't quite articulate.  Most people did that for me.  Some people even provided more support than I needed.  And some people have planned to be there for me in the coming months until Preston is born.

A couple of incidents have happened to me recently.  Both involving women whom I considered close to me.  I am unsure why, but both of these women felt it necessary to tell me how I should act, and became extremely upset when I didn't bend to them and act the way they thought I should.  I know I am still sorting through some of what happened, but I know that my current outlook on life is contributing to the fact that I am not seeking them out to heal the relationships.  Just as I know that their outlook on life allows them to think they can dictate how people act around them.

Until my OB stopped worrying about the IUD, I realized just how stressed out I was about it.  I thought I was putting on a brave face, showing everyone how happy I was about the pregnancy, how little concern I had.  I think most people bought it.  Except my cousin, apparently.  Ha.  These days, I can constantly feel the baby and take a pretty experienced guess at what body part is poking me.  I understand that if the IUD breaks my waters or hurts the placenta, Preston will survive out in the real world.  Even if he lives in a NICU for the first month of his life.  Now, for the first time in 30 weeks, I am truly enjoying my pregnancy.

I wish that the women who aren't speaking to me would have a better understanding that they cannot change me.  Friendships and relationships should not be governed with rules and regulations.  But should a change be necessary, accusations and generalizations will lead to bad feelings and possibly contempt.  This is not something a pregnant woman, despite how the pregnancy occurred, should have to endure.  I know that these women have lost relationships and friendships in the past for the same reasons.  Perhaps they surround themselves with women who are so strong they would rather break than bend?  Maybe they choose to bring up issues only when these strong woman are at a weak point?  I don't know.  What I do know is that it is more important for me to focus on positivity and light right now.  I have an unexpected miracle in my tummy, and this is the last two months before my daughter enters kindergarten and therefore the outside world.  I want to have a great summer, and I don't think I should have to endure stress and uncertainty from people who should be a part of that positivity and light.  Maybe this should be said to these women and not my blog, however I don't believe that they are in a mindset to listen without defense.  Maybe one day they will take the time to see the situation from my point of view.  I did enough reflection to see that I was difficult to handle.  I'm unsure how many times I should apologize and be told it's not enough before it's time for them to see where they contributed to our current situations too.  To quote the insufferable Dr. Phil, "No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still had two sides."

This blog entry has been very therapeutic for me.  If you took the time to read it, thank you.  I know some of it doesn't directly relate medically to my IUD pregnancy, but it sure does relate in a psychological way.  Just as much as I was sensitive to how people reacted to my news of the higher-risk pregnancy, I feel that if a woman becomes pregnant with an IUD, she is allowed to pull her circle of support in close to her without having to fear that she is being too hard to handle.

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