There have been a few times in my life where something so serious has happened that it inertly changed who I am and how I interact with the world.
* My parent's separation
* My ex getting physical with me in anger
* My mother being diagnosed with cancer
* Giving birth to my daughter
* My postpartum depression
* Getting pregnant with an IUD
With the exception of birthing my daughter, all of these life events were something that happened out of my control. It caused me to review how I related to the world and how the world relates to me. Each impacted me differently. In some ways I see now, but in some ways I may never see. One thing they all have in common is that at first, I was very angry. In the end, something inside of me changed. Some things that seemed very important before suddenly seemed less so.
Until very recently, I think I was pretty mad about getting pregnant out of my control. One of my less tactful family members asked me at a birthday party last night if I was doing okay with things. When I said I was, he said, "Oh good, because you were pretty mad about this pregnancy the last time I saw you." I denied it, but I thought about it all last night, and now I'm pretty sure he's right. I wasn't angry with my baby, I was angry that my life has changed so drastically but fate didn't even ask my opinion.
Choosing to have a baby is a very personal and major life decision. A lot of thought and planning should go into it. Perhaps it's just my way doing things. Before I had kids, I religiously ate my birth control pills, and the few times I knew it wasn't effective (missed one, or on antibiotics) I would use a condom. If I did not want to get pregnant, if it wasn't a good time, I used birth control to prevent it. Paying for and going through the hassle of getting an IUD was what I considered to be a grown-up form of birth control. I religiously checked the strings after each period. I did what was asked of me, and medical science failed me. I guess I was angry. I did my best to keep most of my anger to myself, but I know some of it spilled out. There were many times over the last 6 months where I asked people for help, I asked people for support, I asked people to take it easy on me since I was going through something I couldn't quite articulate. Most people did that for me. Some people even provided more support than I needed. And some people have planned to be there for me in the coming months until Preston is born.
A couple of incidents have happened to me recently. Both involving women whom I considered close to me. I am unsure why, but both of these women felt it necessary to tell me how I should act, and became extremely upset when I didn't bend to them and act the way they thought I should. I know I am still sorting through some of what happened, but I know that my current outlook on life is contributing to the fact that I am not seeking them out to heal the relationships. Just as I know that their outlook on life allows them to think they can dictate how people act around them.
Until my OB stopped worrying about the IUD, I realized just how stressed out I was about it. I thought I was putting on a brave face, showing everyone how happy I was about the pregnancy, how little concern I had. I think most people bought it. Except my cousin, apparently. Ha. These days, I can constantly feel the baby and take a pretty experienced guess at what body part is poking me. I understand that if the IUD breaks my waters or hurts the placenta, Preston will survive out in the real world. Even if he lives in a NICU for the first month of his life. Now, for the first time in 30 weeks, I am truly enjoying my pregnancy.
I wish that the women who aren't speaking to me would have a better understanding that they cannot change me. Friendships and relationships should not be governed with rules and regulations. But should a change be necessary, accusations and generalizations will lead to bad feelings and possibly contempt. This is not something a pregnant woman, despite how the pregnancy occurred, should have to endure. I know that these women have lost relationships and friendships in the past for the same reasons. Perhaps they surround themselves with women who are so strong they would rather break than bend? Maybe they choose to bring up issues only when these strong woman are at a weak point? I don't know. What I do know is that it is more important for me to focus on positivity and light right now. I have an unexpected miracle in my tummy, and this is the last two months before my daughter enters kindergarten and therefore the outside world. I want to have a great summer, and I don't think I should have to endure stress and uncertainty from people who should be a part of that positivity and light. Maybe this should be said to these women and not my blog, however I don't believe that they are in a mindset to listen without defense. Maybe one day they will take the time to see the situation from my point of view. I did enough reflection to see that I was difficult to handle. I'm unsure how many times I should apologize and be told it's not enough before it's time for them to see where they contributed to our current situations too. To quote the insufferable Dr. Phil, "No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still had two sides."
This blog entry has been very therapeutic for me. If you took the time to read it, thank you. I know some of it doesn't directly relate medically to my IUD pregnancy, but it sure does relate in a psychological way. Just as much as I was sensitive to how people reacted to my news of the higher-risk pregnancy, I feel that if a woman becomes pregnant with an IUD, she is allowed to pull her circle of support in close to her without having to fear that she is being too hard to handle.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
31 weeks!!
I know it's been a while since my last update. I'm half ashamed since I promised to keep things up to date here for any one who is going thru the same situation, but the other half of me is happy, because it means there's not much to have to report!
I had one more ultrasound, everything still looked great. IUD was still in the fundus of my uterus. Baby was growing spot on in the 50% for everything. My OB told me that he's now feeling so confident in my situation right now that he doesn't care for me to have another monthly scan. He does want one more ultrasound before my due date, just to be certain everything is still the same. I also got to skip this month's blood test since my platelet count was so good at my gestational diabetes test. But next month I'll have to go every week until delivery.
Something interesting to note is that my OB offered me to have a meeting with an anesthetist, just in case I wanted to talk to someone about pain relief this time around. My OB knows I want a natural and drug-free birth, but I wonder if he has no faith in me. I declined the offer, but a part of me wants to meet with one, even if just to ask some questions about what already happened, not necessarily about future use of an epidural. I'm seeing my OB bi-weekly now, so maybe I'll ask again next week.
We picked a name for our little man! It meets all of the criteria we set out. It doesn't start with an S, like our other two children, it can't really be shortened, and it's not terribly popular.
Preston Robert Johnson!
That's all for now. I have a few other things I'd like to write about, but they are only indirectly related to my pregnancy.
I had one more ultrasound, everything still looked great. IUD was still in the fundus of my uterus. Baby was growing spot on in the 50% for everything. My OB told me that he's now feeling so confident in my situation right now that he doesn't care for me to have another monthly scan. He does want one more ultrasound before my due date, just to be certain everything is still the same. I also got to skip this month's blood test since my platelet count was so good at my gestational diabetes test. But next month I'll have to go every week until delivery.
Something interesting to note is that my OB offered me to have a meeting with an anesthetist, just in case I wanted to talk to someone about pain relief this time around. My OB knows I want a natural and drug-free birth, but I wonder if he has no faith in me. I declined the offer, but a part of me wants to meet with one, even if just to ask some questions about what already happened, not necessarily about future use of an epidural. I'm seeing my OB bi-weekly now, so maybe I'll ask again next week.
We picked a name for our little man! It meets all of the criteria we set out. It doesn't start with an S, like our other two children, it can't really be shortened, and it's not terribly popular.
Preston Robert Johnson!
That's all for now. I have a few other things I'd like to write about, but they are only indirectly related to my pregnancy.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I'm still pregnant with an IUD
I have a new update about my IUD pregnancy! Here's a lot of reading if you aren't already up-to-date with my situation.
Part one: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Part two: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/time-to-enjoy.html
Part three: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/02/iud-pregnancy-update.html
Part four: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/03/time-for-another-update.html
Since the last blog entry, I've had another ultrasounds and a couple more OB appointments. I didn't rush to update here because everything is still exactly the same. Thank God and everything else involved in helping me out. The IUD is still at the top of my uterus, and every time I see my OB he loves telling me that he is less and less concerned. He said that the IUD appears to be pinned between my amniotic sac and uterus now, and I might be relieved from pelvic rest soon.
In other news, I have hired a doula to help with with birth support. I am very excited! I decided to choose a doula instead of a midwife because I have too many medical issues involved with giving birth that I didn't want to involve another medical person. I haven't mentioned before, but I have a borderline blood condition called Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura,or ITP for short. Sounds nasty, doesn't it? It's basically low platelets in the blood. My platelets hover right around the level where it could cause a problem. But has never actually dipped low enough while pregnant to cause a problem. The impact is that my baby might have low platelets when born (because of me), which means that the delivering doctor will never be allowed to use
a vacuum on the baby's head. It would kill the baby (shudder) because the baby wouldn't have enough platelets to repair the bleeding in it's head and that would cause bleeding in the brain. If they are too low I can't have an epidural either. This time I don't want one, so I don't care. Because of all of this, I have to get monthly blood tests, then bi-weekly, closer to birth in order to verify any trends. My OB has delivered my other babies, and he is very familiar with my medical issues, including the IUD.
I went off topic there, sorry. So, I hired a doula. It's very exciting for me because I want a natural drug-free birth this time around. If you are curious why, I have previously posted a blog about my epidural headache. After the headache, I started seeing a massage therapist for help working free the scar tissue between my spine vertebrae. I even let her do acupuncture on me. It was amazing. I have been seeing her for regular, insurance covered massages ever since. I would like to think that her and I have become friends. After I found out that I was pregnant, my friend had a dream that I had a boy, and that she was in the delivery room standing beside me. She told me that I had the most amazing smile on my face. I thought that was very sweet. A few weeks later, I told her I was researching doulas, and she gave me some advice. I asked her how she knew so much, and she reminded me that her massage specialty is prenatal massage, with birth support. She told me this before, but I put it out of my head because, well, I wasn't ever planning on having another baby. She told me she is technically not a doula because she didn't take the weekend course required to get the certification. But she did some of her interning at a hospital, and she works with the Mennonites in her area. Since all I am looking for is someone to rub my back, remind me of breathing, and make me laugh, I think she would be perfect for the job! And as she nicely reminded me after I told her I wanted her to be there for birth, "who better than the person who rehabbed you from your epidural injury to remind you why you don't want another epidural." Too right!
When I told my OB that I hired a doula, he made a pained face. He told me that some doulas come into the delivery room acting like they have doctorates and start making decisions for the patient. When I explained what I wanted her there for, and that I've known her for years, he broke out into a huge smile and told me that he would be perfectly happy having her in the room in a friend/support capacity. He did tell me that she should not come into the hospital telling people she's a doula, because it causes problems with other staff too. Holy red tape and silly politics. But I get it.
Speaking of epidural, my OB wanted to tell me that if something happens in birth that requires an epidural, like an emergency c-section for example, then I will be left with no choice. He also told me that since I am farther in the pregnancy now, he wanted to talk just a little bit about his concerns about the IUD post birth. He said that if the IUD doesn't come out behind the baby, he says he might have to "fish around" for the strings, and that it might really hurt. Eek! Then he said that he hopes it comes out with the placenta. His biggest concern is that it might break the placenta during birth, and leave some placenta inside that I won't be able to birth. If that's the case, I would need surgery. I asked him if he could just flat out put me out for that, and he said he could, but he didn't want to get into too many details yet. He just wanted to give me a heads up. He said the last situation is that everything comes out properly except for the IUD, but he didn't want to discuss that with me yet. For goodness sake. I have enough worries! But I do know that if an IUD is embedded in a uterus, then a woman needs a laparoscopy surgery to have it surgically removed.
And for some GOOD NEWS! After my anatomy scan, it has been confirmed...
We are very excited! It makes the kids future sleeping arrangements very easy. Now to think of a name. This time I have to let my husband feel like he chose it since I named my other kids with little input from him. Fair's fair!
I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks. By the time my baby is born, I am going to have a really cool collection of ultrasound progression pictures.
Thanks for reading! Again, I am very happy to give any ray of hope to anyone in this same scary situation. And thanks to all of my friends and family who read my blog after my post in the IUD and Pregnant Facebook support group splashed across everyone's newsfeed. Your support and kind words have meant a lot to me.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Time for another update!
Time for another monthly update to my on-going IUD pregnancy!
Part one: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Part two: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/time-to-enjoy.html
Part three: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/02/iud-pregnancy-update.html
Sorry for all of the links. As of now, I am doing a monthly update. At the end of August, I hope with all of my heart to be able to condense everything into one long happy ending story.
I had my 16 week ultrasound last week. Just as I was formulating something to say in an update, the whole house came down with some yucky virus. Sometimes I would rather everyone be sick at the same time, instead of this consecutive illnesses business where I lose a week's worth of solid sleep. Not only did the kids get sick, but I got sick too. I'm starting to think that round ligament pain is the devil's work. Sneeze - OWWW!
Melinda remembered me by face this time. I guess I am one of her more memorable patients these days. She measured and checked, and asked me if my cyst pain is less. She said that it has shrunk a little, thank goodness, but its not gone yet. But because it's getting smaller, no one is really going to care much. Then she asked me if I'm feeling the baby much yet. Well, of course I am! It's my third pregnancy and first posterior placenta pregnancy. I can't feel the baby all day all the time yet. Soon! She then told me that the baby is now much bigger than the IUD, and the IUD is still in the same spot. In her opinion, she doesn't see how it could move at this point. It appears to be pressed right up against the uterine wall. YAY! Keep growing little baby!! The baby is still measuring right on schedule, good solid heart beat. She told me that I should bring my daughter with me to the next ultrasound. I'm not sure...she's still 3 and would be more interested in opening cabinets than looking at an ultrasound machine. It was a nice offer though. And that was that. Short and sweet. Everyone knows what they are looking for, nothing has changed except the baby is bigger and stronger. Then I treated myself to a delicious tuna melt for lunch before I went home.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see my OB this week. This yucky virus kept me from leaving the house. The receptionist offered to reschedule the next day, but since I am feeling the baby move every day, I decided to wait until my next regular appointment date. She did tell me that the ultrasound results came back with no concerns and everything looking great. However, next week I have to start getting blood taken regularly for my ITP condition. (I have lower white blood cells than the normal person, but they are just borderline numbers. It can cause problems in pregnancy, but hasn't in either of my pregnancies before, so I don't suspect it'll make a difference this time.) That means monthly, then bi-weekly blood tests. My poor veins! I can't always give blood from my left arm, and sometimes not from my right arm. The techs sometimes have to take it from my hands or wrists. By the end of both of my pregnancies, I started looking like a rookie heroin user.
I've been feeling so confident about this pregnancy now that I officially announced it on Facebook last week! I wasn't sure I was going to because of the increased risks, and because of the stigma associated with having more than 2 babies. But I can't help it! I'm so happy to be having this little miracle baby! This is what I posted:
I was very pleased with the response! Some people made their own special congratulations to their news feeds, and a couple of my cousins unexpectedly shared my photo. It made me feel so very special and happy that other people want to share in our excitement. However, I did not share the details of the IUD to the Facebook world. I wouldn't really know how to do that anyway! At this point, it doesn't really matter. I will share that bit of information to those I feel comfortable telling. I guess it's not different than sharing gestational diabetes or a cerclage. It's no one's business, right? Besides, I already know what it's like having to shoulder other people's reactions to the risk. I'm not that interested in doing that unless I have to.
I forgot to mention one last thing. Though I have to wait until 19 or 20 weeks for a true anatomy scan, Melinda did tell me what she thought the gender is...Interested in knowing?
It's a BOY!
We are very excited! We would be excited either way, but if it's a boy, it makes staying in our three-bedroom that much more easy. That way the two youngest boys can share a room until we can afford a bigger house. My daughter is a little disappointed. She wanted a sister. But I think she is the type of girl who will do better ruling two brothers instead of fighting with a sister.
I would like to finish this post by saying a great big thank you to all of the ladies from BabyCenter who have read my blog. The lovely words of encouragement and comfort have meant more than I can explain. And I am also very happy that my words have provided inspiration to other women going through the same situation as me. All of you strong mamas should know how awesome you are for choosing the life of your baby over the risks to yourself, and the stress and uncertainty will all be worth it when after all of this is over we are all holding our beautiful bundles of joy. Also, my heart goes out to all of the mamas who have lost their babies due to an IUD failure. If you lost your baby, you live in the US, and you had a Mirena, please look into the class action suit being launched. I'm sorry to Paragard users. That company crossed all their Ts and dotted their Is, so they can only be individually prosecuted. It makes me sick, but it's true. There are also Facebook groups to join for more support. https://www.facebook.com/IudAndPregnant
See you again after my anatomy scan in 3 weeks! Here's hoping the baby will still be a boy!
Part one: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Part two: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/time-to-enjoy.html
Part three: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/02/iud-pregnancy-update.html
Sorry for all of the links. As of now, I am doing a monthly update. At the end of August, I hope with all of my heart to be able to condense everything into one long happy ending story.
I had my 16 week ultrasound last week. Just as I was formulating something to say in an update, the whole house came down with some yucky virus. Sometimes I would rather everyone be sick at the same time, instead of this consecutive illnesses business where I lose a week's worth of solid sleep. Not only did the kids get sick, but I got sick too. I'm starting to think that round ligament pain is the devil's work. Sneeze - OWWW!
Melinda remembered me by face this time. I guess I am one of her more memorable patients these days. She measured and checked, and asked me if my cyst pain is less. She said that it has shrunk a little, thank goodness, but its not gone yet. But because it's getting smaller, no one is really going to care much. Then she asked me if I'm feeling the baby much yet. Well, of course I am! It's my third pregnancy and first posterior placenta pregnancy. I can't feel the baby all day all the time yet. Soon! She then told me that the baby is now much bigger than the IUD, and the IUD is still in the same spot. In her opinion, she doesn't see how it could move at this point. It appears to be pressed right up against the uterine wall. YAY! Keep growing little baby!! The baby is still measuring right on schedule, good solid heart beat. She told me that I should bring my daughter with me to the next ultrasound. I'm not sure...she's still 3 and would be more interested in opening cabinets than looking at an ultrasound machine. It was a nice offer though. And that was that. Short and sweet. Everyone knows what they are looking for, nothing has changed except the baby is bigger and stronger. Then I treated myself to a delicious tuna melt for lunch before I went home.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see my OB this week. This yucky virus kept me from leaving the house. The receptionist offered to reschedule the next day, but since I am feeling the baby move every day, I decided to wait until my next regular appointment date. She did tell me that the ultrasound results came back with no concerns and everything looking great. However, next week I have to start getting blood taken regularly for my ITP condition. (I have lower white blood cells than the normal person, but they are just borderline numbers. It can cause problems in pregnancy, but hasn't in either of my pregnancies before, so I don't suspect it'll make a difference this time.) That means monthly, then bi-weekly blood tests. My poor veins! I can't always give blood from my left arm, and sometimes not from my right arm. The techs sometimes have to take it from my hands or wrists. By the end of both of my pregnancies, I started looking like a rookie heroin user.
I've been feeling so confident about this pregnancy now that I officially announced it on Facebook last week! I wasn't sure I was going to because of the increased risks, and because of the stigma associated with having more than 2 babies. But I can't help it! I'm so happy to be having this little miracle baby! This is what I posted:
I was very pleased with the response! Some people made their own special congratulations to their news feeds, and a couple of my cousins unexpectedly shared my photo. It made me feel so very special and happy that other people want to share in our excitement. However, I did not share the details of the IUD to the Facebook world. I wouldn't really know how to do that anyway! At this point, it doesn't really matter. I will share that bit of information to those I feel comfortable telling. I guess it's not different than sharing gestational diabetes or a cerclage. It's no one's business, right? Besides, I already know what it's like having to shoulder other people's reactions to the risk. I'm not that interested in doing that unless I have to.
I forgot to mention one last thing. Though I have to wait until 19 or 20 weeks for a true anatomy scan, Melinda did tell me what she thought the gender is...Interested in knowing?
It's a BOY!
We are very excited! We would be excited either way, but if it's a boy, it makes staying in our three-bedroom that much more easy. That way the two youngest boys can share a room until we can afford a bigger house. My daughter is a little disappointed. She wanted a sister. But I think she is the type of girl who will do better ruling two brothers instead of fighting with a sister.
I would like to finish this post by saying a great big thank you to all of the ladies from BabyCenter who have read my blog. The lovely words of encouragement and comfort have meant more than I can explain. And I am also very happy that my words have provided inspiration to other women going through the same situation as me. All of you strong mamas should know how awesome you are for choosing the life of your baby over the risks to yourself, and the stress and uncertainty will all be worth it when after all of this is over we are all holding our beautiful bundles of joy. Also, my heart goes out to all of the mamas who have lost their babies due to an IUD failure. If you lost your baby, you live in the US, and you had a Mirena, please look into the class action suit being launched. I'm sorry to Paragard users. That company crossed all their Ts and dotted their Is, so they can only be individually prosecuted. It makes me sick, but it's true. There are also Facebook groups to join for more support. https://www.facebook.com/IudAndPregnant
See you again after my anatomy scan in 3 weeks! Here's hoping the baby will still be a boy!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
But I can't hear a baby crying
I thought I'd update about my daughter. Shortly after that shocking incident on the street, I gave it some deep thought about why she was acting out. Saving you my long train of thought, I came to the realization that she was reacting to the change of atmosphere in the house. She may not have known with the change was, but she knew something was different. The last time she acted out so strongly was when there was a murder-suicide a few houses up in October and the street was a mess of cops and looky-loos and media. Oh the constant media attention the surviving wife craved. Crazy, I know, since I live in a very nice upper middle class neighbourhood. Only this time my daughter was reacting to my stress about the baby.
I had put my son to bed for nap and sat with her on her bed. I asked her if she liked being a good big sister to her brother. She said she's a very good big sister. I asked her if she wanted to be a big sister to another baby. She looked confused, so I patted my tummy and told her there is a baby in there. Her eyes got bigger than saucers, and she quickly put her head on my tummy. "But I can't hear a baby crying," she said. I showed her with my fingers how big the baby was at the time. She thought a baby that small was cuuuute. I also showed her my latest ultrasound. She finally understood. I explained how the baby was making mommy feel sicky and sleepy, but that I would be feeling better soon. She asked if the baby was making me nap in her bed. Smart kid.
These days, she's talking about the baby all the time. Though she is saying some disturbing things. Like when I was lifting her to her time out spot on the stairs she started kicking at me. I told her she can't kick, and that if she kicked the baby it might get hurt. Various other times she's used my new baby bump to push herself off of my when she's done cuddling. I warn her to be safety around my belly. Very unfortunately, she interpreted that as making the baby dead. I never said those words, but she knows how small the baby is, and she knows she can't kick or squish it. I guess I can't stop her from putting that together. I am now, however, regretting the damn gold fish that died. I can't hide death from her, but I did tell her to stop talking about the baby being dead. Especially in case something does happen. I wouldn't want her to internalize that.
My daughter is acting a lot better. She seems to have a much better grasp at what's going on around here now, and where I go when I leave her with the sitter for my appointments. She now says she hopes it's a girl for her because she already has a brother. She told me I can have another baby later to give Bubba a brother if he wants one. What a nut!
I had put my son to bed for nap and sat with her on her bed. I asked her if she liked being a good big sister to her brother. She said she's a very good big sister. I asked her if she wanted to be a big sister to another baby. She looked confused, so I patted my tummy and told her there is a baby in there. Her eyes got bigger than saucers, and she quickly put her head on my tummy. "But I can't hear a baby crying," she said. I showed her with my fingers how big the baby was at the time. She thought a baby that small was cuuuute. I also showed her my latest ultrasound. She finally understood. I explained how the baby was making mommy feel sicky and sleepy, but that I would be feeling better soon. She asked if the baby was making me nap in her bed. Smart kid.
These days, she's talking about the baby all the time. Though she is saying some disturbing things. Like when I was lifting her to her time out spot on the stairs she started kicking at me. I told her she can't kick, and that if she kicked the baby it might get hurt. Various other times she's used my new baby bump to push herself off of my when she's done cuddling. I warn her to be safety around my belly. Very unfortunately, she interpreted that as making the baby dead. I never said those words, but she knows how small the baby is, and she knows she can't kick or squish it. I guess I can't stop her from putting that together. I am now, however, regretting the damn gold fish that died. I can't hide death from her, but I did tell her to stop talking about the baby being dead. Especially in case something does happen. I wouldn't want her to internalize that.
My daughter is acting a lot better. She seems to have a much better grasp at what's going on around here now, and where I go when I leave her with the sitter for my appointments. She now says she hopes it's a girl for her because she already has a brother. She told me I can have another baby later to give Bubba a brother if he wants one. What a nut!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
IUD Pregnancy Update
To start at the beginning go here: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Feel free to check out the rest of my blog here: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/
This week I had another ultrasound. It is originally meant to test for neural tube issues, however my main reason to go was to check on the baby.
I saw my lovely friend Melinda again. She didn't remember me right away, but as soon as I said IUD, she turned and smiled. "Of course I remember you now." Then she started the ultrasound. As soon as she placed the wand on my belly she said, "yeah, this will be fast." I liked the sounds of that.
She told me that the IUD hasn't moved, and that my cyst is likely to disappear in the next week or two. The baby is measuring at exactly on time, and the heart beat is fabulous. 165 bpm. What wonderful news. She called my husband in and we both got to see the baby together. Oh boy is it ever active! No wonder I can already feel it. It never stopped moving the whole ultrasound! The candy cinnamon hearts probably contributed to that. Then gave me heart burn.
I left the ultrasound with 7 pictures and a huge smile on my face. My husband even took me to McDonald's for a vanilla milkshake. There's nothing quite like having your husband indulge a craving!
Three days later, today, I had an appointment with my OB again. How bitter-sweet.
He already had the test results. The neural tube test came back a 1.0; healthy. I still have a repeat blood test in 4 weeks. He confirmed everything Melinda said, but he clarified something for me. This something is what makes me feel uneasy. He told me that the IUD is actually on top of the placenta, not the kind of 'on top' I thought they explained to me before. He said that the IUD is at the top of my uterus, then the placenta is below it, then the baby in the sac is at the bottom of my uterus.
I guess I had a terrible expression on my face, because he confirmed that nothing has changed from last time, and that it's still in the same "good" position they knew of last time. He said that of all of the places it could be, this is one of the best places. I still wasn't feeling very good about it. I asked about the IUD getting under the placenta and hurting it. I guess I know nothing about these things, because he said with a slightly confused look, "but your placenta is already perfectly attached. That just couldn't happen." When I asked if it could irritate the placenta and cause problems, all he could do was pat my shoulder and tell me that he can't predict the future. Not exactly the words I wanted to hear, but at least I know he's truthful. Then he calmed me by reminding me that the baby is no where near the IUD. I'm pretty certain that this is what he is most concerned about; keeping the IUD away from the baby, not the placenta.
He laid me down and tried to find the baby's heart beat with the doppler. He couldn't pin the baby down because it was moving around so much! We could just start to hear the heartbeat, then there would be a whoosh-whoosh, and then nothing. It kept moving away from the instrument. My OB said he's not worried since that we could hear the heart beat in the background, and we certainly heard the baby moving. We can try again at the next appointment.
I asked him my huge list of questions after that. Is the invite still open to see him every two weeks? Yes. Can I still have an ultrasound every month? Yes. Great, because I started to panic after 4 long weeks of not hearing or seeing the baby. I am being treated with physiotherapy for the serious ankle sprain back in October, is that going to cause a problem? Yes, it might get worse once my body starts producing the hormone to relax my joints. Can I do pregnant yoga? If it's low impact, yes. Can I still clean my house? Surprisingly, no. I have to slow down. I can do maintenance, but I'm not allowed to get on my hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the floors or tubs anymore. Sorry, hubby, you have to do the heavy lifting. Can I finally start having sex?
NO
At least that's what is sounded like to me. Apparently, just like cleaning, I'm supposed to keep things low impact. At this point, I had to ask why not? He finally explained it like this. The IUD currently has not moved from where he wants it to stay for the pregnancy. But he can't guarantee that it's going to stay that way. He thinks that with too much impact, such as doing the deed, it could start to slip out of current position and pose a risk to the baby. Once the baby gets big enough, then there will be less room and the baby's sac will pin it down just using physics. Finally, it was explained to me in a way that made sense! I guess so much information was thrown around at the last appointment I missed asking 'why not'. Naturally, my next question was, can I have an orgasm?
YES!!
At least that's what is sounded like to me. Isn't that all that really matters? I will say no more on that subject other than Valentine's Day probably won't suck anymore.
After leaving his office with my ultrasound requisition in hand, I felt a mixed bag of emotions. Happy because the OB is not quite upset about anything, he's still feeling the same way he did last month. Shouldn't I feel the same way I did last month? Since I've seen and heard the baby, and had a whole other month to love it, I feel that much more worried that something can happen. Additionally, I thought things were one way, but they are actually a little different. But it doesn't change the situation, so I really should relax again.
I'm telling you, this is not easy. I have so much empathy for women who are having problems with their pregnancies, and for the women I read on BBC that have had or are having miscarriages. Not to belittle their sadness at all, but eventually they can comfort themselves with the knowledge that something was likely wrong with their babies, and God had to take away what he gave so that he could give to them again properly. I am not a very religious person, but I do know that He works in mysterious ways. Regardless, I still think it is very difficult to know that your baby is healthy, that it's science that is threatening it's life. A decision I made to prevent this life from happening is now the very thing that is threatening the life of the thing I want so dearly. Maybe it's just another type of irony, huh?
On a happier note, here is my little nugget, all stretched out and having a blast.
Feel free to check out the rest of my blog here: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/
This week I had another ultrasound. It is originally meant to test for neural tube issues, however my main reason to go was to check on the baby.
I saw my lovely friend Melinda again. She didn't remember me right away, but as soon as I said IUD, she turned and smiled. "Of course I remember you now." Then she started the ultrasound. As soon as she placed the wand on my belly she said, "yeah, this will be fast." I liked the sounds of that.
She told me that the IUD hasn't moved, and that my cyst is likely to disappear in the next week or two. The baby is measuring at exactly on time, and the heart beat is fabulous. 165 bpm. What wonderful news. She called my husband in and we both got to see the baby together. Oh boy is it ever active! No wonder I can already feel it. It never stopped moving the whole ultrasound! The candy cinnamon hearts probably contributed to that. Then gave me heart burn.
I left the ultrasound with 7 pictures and a huge smile on my face. My husband even took me to McDonald's for a vanilla milkshake. There's nothing quite like having your husband indulge a craving!
Three days later, today, I had an appointment with my OB again. How bitter-sweet.
He already had the test results. The neural tube test came back a 1.0; healthy. I still have a repeat blood test in 4 weeks. He confirmed everything Melinda said, but he clarified something for me. This something is what makes me feel uneasy. He told me that the IUD is actually on top of the placenta, not the kind of 'on top' I thought they explained to me before. He said that the IUD is at the top of my uterus, then the placenta is below it, then the baby in the sac is at the bottom of my uterus.
I guess I had a terrible expression on my face, because he confirmed that nothing has changed from last time, and that it's still in the same "good" position they knew of last time. He said that of all of the places it could be, this is one of the best places. I still wasn't feeling very good about it. I asked about the IUD getting under the placenta and hurting it. I guess I know nothing about these things, because he said with a slightly confused look, "but your placenta is already perfectly attached. That just couldn't happen." When I asked if it could irritate the placenta and cause problems, all he could do was pat my shoulder and tell me that he can't predict the future. Not exactly the words I wanted to hear, but at least I know he's truthful. Then he calmed me by reminding me that the baby is no where near the IUD. I'm pretty certain that this is what he is most concerned about; keeping the IUD away from the baby, not the placenta.
He laid me down and tried to find the baby's heart beat with the doppler. He couldn't pin the baby down because it was moving around so much! We could just start to hear the heartbeat, then there would be a whoosh-whoosh, and then nothing. It kept moving away from the instrument. My OB said he's not worried since that we could hear the heart beat in the background, and we certainly heard the baby moving. We can try again at the next appointment.
I asked him my huge list of questions after that. Is the invite still open to see him every two weeks? Yes. Can I still have an ultrasound every month? Yes. Great, because I started to panic after 4 long weeks of not hearing or seeing the baby. I am being treated with physiotherapy for the serious ankle sprain back in October, is that going to cause a problem? Yes, it might get worse once my body starts producing the hormone to relax my joints. Can I do pregnant yoga? If it's low impact, yes. Can I still clean my house? Surprisingly, no. I have to slow down. I can do maintenance, but I'm not allowed to get on my hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the floors or tubs anymore. Sorry, hubby, you have to do the heavy lifting. Can I finally start having sex?
NO
At least that's what is sounded like to me. Apparently, just like cleaning, I'm supposed to keep things low impact. At this point, I had to ask why not? He finally explained it like this. The IUD currently has not moved from where he wants it to stay for the pregnancy. But he can't guarantee that it's going to stay that way. He thinks that with too much impact, such as doing the deed, it could start to slip out of current position and pose a risk to the baby. Once the baby gets big enough, then there will be less room and the baby's sac will pin it down just using physics. Finally, it was explained to me in a way that made sense! I guess so much information was thrown around at the last appointment I missed asking 'why not'. Naturally, my next question was, can I have an orgasm?
YES!!
At least that's what is sounded like to me. Isn't that all that really matters? I will say no more on that subject other than Valentine's Day probably won't suck anymore.
After leaving his office with my ultrasound requisition in hand, I felt a mixed bag of emotions. Happy because the OB is not quite upset about anything, he's still feeling the same way he did last month. Shouldn't I feel the same way I did last month? Since I've seen and heard the baby, and had a whole other month to love it, I feel that much more worried that something can happen. Additionally, I thought things were one way, but they are actually a little different. But it doesn't change the situation, so I really should relax again.
I'm telling you, this is not easy. I have so much empathy for women who are having problems with their pregnancies, and for the women I read on BBC that have had or are having miscarriages. Not to belittle their sadness at all, but eventually they can comfort themselves with the knowledge that something was likely wrong with their babies, and God had to take away what he gave so that he could give to them again properly. I am not a very religious person, but I do know that He works in mysterious ways. Regardless, I still think it is very difficult to know that your baby is healthy, that it's science that is threatening it's life. A decision I made to prevent this life from happening is now the very thing that is threatening the life of the thing I want so dearly. Maybe it's just another type of irony, huh?
On a happier note, here is my little nugget, all stretched out and having a blast.
I am officially 12 weeks and 1 day. 4 more weeks until I get to see nugget again. 2 more weeks to hear him whoosh.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
My Epidural Headache Story
Recently posted this on the baby board I frequent. It was in response to someone who told their story. The ladies responded to her saying she was using scare tactics on first time moms, and the risk of that happening is so rare she should have kept the story to herself. I spent time writing it out and no one wanted to hear about it. Typical. I deleted the story, assuming no one wanted to hear it, I am adding it here. I will also add more details here. Since I was trying to keep it short and sweet on the message boards.
Something ironic about posting this story here. LOL
I just want people to be aware of the risks involved. When they tell you that a small percentage get a "headache", they are pooh-poohing the worst and most dangerous headaches that exist. I think was more than only 1% suffer too. Here's my story.
I want to start by saying my first labour was great (as great as can be) and I had an epidural. I had no side effects or any problems. A little pain in the injection point, but nothing bad enough to mention. I was more concerned with the tearing that was not properly stitched up. I'm not just complaining. I had to have some reconstruction done on my vagina after I birthed my son. My poor vagina will never look the same. LOL
However, with my second, things went very bad.
I waited until I really started hurting to get the epidural this time. Not when it was convenient for the anesthesiologist. That was probably my first mistake. I have a feeling that she was about to take her lunch break, but popped in to see how everyone was doing before she left. She came into my room and did not appear to be very happy. She read me the risks, and had me sign the paperwork. In retrospect, I wish I had taken time to read the documents. I feel like she was in such a rush to get things done that I was rushed to sign the papers to get it over with. It took several attempts to get the epidural into my spine. But once it was in, I got the standard one-hour shot in my IV, and was told that the epidural will take over in an hour. After 45 minutes I started to feel the contractions. The nurses did not believe that it wasn't working, and thought that I was just complaining. They offered me the option to click an extra pump every 20 minutes, but it didn't work at all. After a few hours or natural labour, I finally asked them to remove my urine catheter because it was very uncomfortable. That's when they finally believed me. The anesthesiologist came back in, in an even bigger huff, and jammed me so deep it hurt terribly. But it finally worked. I was itchy like crazy, and that never happened with my first labour. Again, they thought I was exaggerating the symptoms, and offered me some Benadryl. I declined. I had enough of the drugs at this point.
After I delivered my son, they removed the epidural catheter from my back and I immediately had a terrible pounding headache. I was told it was just because of the pushing. I got some regular strength Tylenol, and a chart, and the next day I was sent home.
The next day and the day after I was in terrible pain. I had ringing in my ears, pain so much when I would sit up or stand up. I only felt good when I was laying down. In Ontario we have a service called Telehealth. After I had a long nap, I work up and felt great, until I sat up. The pain hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was able to determine that the pain only happened when I sat up. I had never had a headache, including vomit-inducing migraines, that couldn't go away after a good long sleep in a dark room. I was very scared, so I called Telehealth and told the nurse. She suggested it was an epidural headache, explained a bit about it, and suggested for me to go to the hospital.
I packed up my 3 day old newborn went to the hospital closest to me, not where I birthed my son. It was the same day my milk came in. There I was, sitting in the ER with my newborn baby, trying to stay away from the sick people, crying my eyes out at the front desk for an hour. They kept bringing me apple juice and cookies to calm me down, and finally got me in sooner since I was causing such a fit.
After meeting with this hospital's anesthesiologist, she suggested a blood patch. Three lovely nurses held and cooed at my son while the Dr withdrew 20 cc of my own blood, and then poked it into my spine. Instantly, my headache was gone. I was so relieved. She told me that despite her own specialty, she also suffered from an epidural headache. She told me to take it easy, but don't really do anything differently. Later that night, as I was bending over to pick up my son (only 7 lbs) I felt a strange sensation in my spine and BAM! Headache came back in full force.
I didn't want to go through another blood patch again. I dealt with the pain for almost a week. It was terrible. On top of the audio disturbances, I started to have visual disturbances. Ringing in my ears, flashing in my outside vision,occasional deafness in my right ear. The pain was getting worse and worse. The day I felt like the right side of my face was getting a little numb was the day my husband called the anesthesiologist that did the blood patch. At this point, she didn't want to be involved anymore. She said to go back to the hospital where I birthed my son since all my birthing info was on file there and thought the other anesthesiologist should know what's happening and take accountability. So, off to another ER.
At this hospital, the on-call anesthesiologist didn't want to repeat the blood patch. Apparently, it's really rare to need a second one. But after hearing my story and seeing my budding facial paralysis, he ordered another blood patch. He was scared that since my cerebral spinal fluid was leaking out in what could only be such a fast manner, I was doing damage to my brain stem. Basically, my brain wasn't floating in cerebral spinal fluid anymore and was now resting right on my skull. He performed the same blood patch procedure. I had the same relief. I was given the same instructions. The only difference this time was that the headache was still there, but this time it took longer to feel the same level of pain. If I laid down, it went away, but it still came back after a few minutes.
Later that week I went to my GP for my sons first check up. She was very concerned. She was the only doctor to tell me that some unfortunate women get headaches for the rest of their lives because the hole can't ever close. She told me to go home and lay supine in bed for one solid week, only getting up to pee. He theory was that the second blood patch might have allowed some clotting, but there might have been what they call a slow leak. She thought I needed some time to allow the scar tissue to close the hole, and I needed pain relief. I guess laying on the table, crying in pain gave it all away.
I'm very lucky that my best friend was able to stay and help me care for my newborn. I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself. I could only pee, and I had one shower that week. My mom, my friend, my husband, they all picked up my slack and cared for me and my children. My husband was so stressed out by everything that after the wee was up, he made himself physically sick with worry and stress. I was useless, and popping extra strength Tylenol like it was candy. Drinking coffee, pop, and so much water I felt swollen. The theory is that the more water you drink, the more cerebral spinal fluid is made and helped my brain stay more floaty. The worst part was that my 17 month old daughter stopped crying for me. She stopped caring if I helped her to bed. When she came in to visit me, she would look at me like a stranger, but kiss me never-the-less. Eventually, I spent my days and night crying. After my week in bed, I slipped into a deep deep postpartum depression and was put in Zoloft for the next 6 months. It took a few weeks, but the depression started to fade as the pills kicked in. I was still in pain, but it wasn't anything like it was. I spent most of the next month sitting on the couch having a cleaning crew come in to clean for me. My daughter wasn't very high maintenance back then. She was happy to suck her pacifier and watch TV with me while I nursed my newborn. She still went to daycare a few days a week, so I felt able to focus on healing myself during the day.
In the end, it took 6-8 weeks before I stopped feeling pain. To this day I have worsening vision only in my right eye, and my right pupil is significantly larger than my left. My opthamologist wouldn't confirm it's from the epidural headache for liability reasons, but she says it's completely possible. I also had lots of spinal pain from the injections. In the end, I received 8 pokes into my spine from the various epidurals and blood patches, so there was a lot of scar tissue locking this vertebrae together. With lots of massage therapy and acupuncture, my spine stopped hurting after about 18 months. On some days I can still feel pinching in that area if I'm very active.
It's sad, but I can't look back on the first 2 months of my son's life without feeling very badly about it. Needless to say, I will NOT be having an epidural this time around. If I need to have a c-section, I will ask to be put out completely, because I will never let someone poke my spine again.
Since this happened, I have learned that the anesthesiologists finding the sweet spot is a freaking GUESS. An average poke for an average woman might not work for her. Go a teeny-tad deeper and they might draw spinal fluid. Most anesthesiologists are able to tell when they do it. Most anesthesiologists will tell the patient. Others, like mine, would rather the mother deal with it and just pretend it didn't happen. They can see the cerebral spinal fluid in the needle. Apparently it's a brownish fluid, and it's unmistakable if it comes into the clear medicine.
Some women who have epidural headaches are able to heal without intervention. The poke could be very small and will heal on an average of 1 week after the epidural. If the symptoms are very severe, such as with me, then they will suggest a blood patch because the hole might be quite large.
To this day I will tell everyone and anyone my story, and if it helps even one person to choose a natural birth to avoid this type of error from happening to them, then it was worth my time to tell it. Obviously, it won't happen to everyone, but I strongly believe it happens to more than 1%. After speaking about my experience with other women, I have met many who have also had it, as well as people who know people. The internet is chock full of examples of it happening as well.
I also know there are way worse things that can happen from epidurals (paralysis, etc.) but this "simple headache" is something I thought I could handle when being told the risks. It's NOT a simple headache. It's an injury, and it can be serious.
Thanks for reading.
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